I started writing this at 3am,
if u haven't seen the time. I've been up all night looking at all
the talks we had that I ever saved on this computer. just wanted you
to know how sorry I am if you're mad at me. I courted disaster when
I shouldn't have. and the only thing that you've been to me is good
friend, and what did I do? I messed it up. the only thing I can say
right now is sorry. i don't know how to make it up to you.
by the time you read this message, you'll probably have
forgotten what happened. I don't want to remind u, but it's not like
I forgot completely either. wish I could, but memories aren't like
that if you fight with someone. I'm sorry I acted absolutely mental
and stupid that night. like u said, it didn't get me anywhere at
2:30am. I wallowed in self-pity really bad that night, tho i don't
remember why. just one of the depression days, eh? I don't want to
do it ever again, but I can't promise what will happen. just like
you can't promise me when those cds will come. I don't really think
you'll need to worry about those cds tho. I found out how to burn
cds on my computer while you were away. I also finished my trumpet
lessons (though I think I need more) and I got my braces off. I
started my bio project (tho i can't give you those hydrangeas since
we borrowed and "de-petaled" them) and I also found out how to think
inside my head and not outside of it w/o taking a walk while u were
gone. the changes are nice, but I'd would even like to live my life
like that if it was without you. even if something good happens
while you're gone, I still want to share it with you.
don't care anymore about what happened between you and jess, it's
really none of my business truth be told, I don't like her very
much, no matter if we do seem like buddies...sure, we have the same
friends, but that doesn't mean that we have the same great
friendship bond...which is probably why I kept being jealous and
mean to you when it came to her. she's nice, but I can only take in
so much of her. even if you two decide to get back together, the
only reason I'd like her is because you do. at least you'd know the
truth. no matter how curious I am, I'm going to suppress any
questions I have about you two. I don't want you to hate me because
I was being a nosy jerk. and if u don't hate, don't intensely
dislike me either.
I like being your friend and it's one of
those things that I look forward to in life. I love talking to you
and if that was ever taken from me I don't know what I would do.
it's nice sharing what's going on in my life with someone. I used to
have two other friends I could do that with: share, listen and talk
about our lives. but we go to different schools now and our lives
are different. we stopped contacting each other, so I lost that
special feeling. when I met you and I saw that I could share with
you, and it's like I could live again. though it didn't seem like
that since I came to you with my problems, but that's how it was.
and I don't want to lose you again.
all I can say right now
is sorry. I don't know how else to make it up to you. you don't have
to forgive me if you don't want to...I could burn in heck and
deserve it for what I've said, especially since you did all those
things for me. and I'm not saying that so you pity me and forgive
me; I'm saying it because I want you to understand how sorry I am.
you've helped me all those times and I owe you a lot. no matter what
happens, I'll always be your friend...even if you decide not to be
well...It's 3:45am or so...my hand's cramping, so I'm
going to sleep. I'll try and call you before band camp if I