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From : 
PikaPal5497@aol.com
To :  mtwstudios@hotmail.com
Subject :  hi matt...can u please read this...?
Date :  Sun, 27 Jul 2003 03:51:17 EDT
hey matt.

I started writing this at 3am, if u haven't seen the time. I've been up all night looking at all the talks we had that I ever saved on this computer. just wanted you to know how sorry I am if you're mad at me. I courted disaster when I shouldn't have. and the only thing that you've been to me is good friend, and what did I do? I messed it up. the only thing I can say right now is sorry. i don't know how to make it up to you.

by the time you read this message, you'll probably have forgotten what happened. I don't want to remind u, but it's not like I forgot completely either. wish I could, but memories aren't like that if you fight with someone. I'm sorry I acted absolutely mental and stupid that night. like u said, it didn't get me anywhere at 2:30am. I wallowed in self-pity really bad that night, tho i don't remember why. just one of the depression days, eh? I don't want to do it ever again, but I can't promise what will happen. just like you can't promise me when those cds will come. I don't really think you'll need to worry about those cds tho. I found out how to burn cds on my computer while you were away. I also finished my trumpet lessons (though I think I need more) and I got my braces off. I started my bio project (tho i can't give you those hydrangeas since we borrowed and "de-petaled" them) and I also found out how to think inside my head and not outside of it w/o taking a walk while u were gone. the changes are nice, but I'd would even like to live my life like that if it was without you. even if something good happens while you're gone, I still want to share it with you.

I don't care anymore about what happened between you and jess, it's really none of my business truth be told, I don't like her very much, no matter if we do seem like buddies...sure, we have the same friends, but that doesn't mean that we have the same great friendship bond...which is probably why I kept being jealous and mean to you when it came to her. she's nice, but I can only take in so much of her. even if you two decide to get back together, the only reason I'd like her is because you do. at least you'd know the truth. no matter how curious I am, I'm going to suppress any questions I have about you two. I don't want you to hate me because I was being a nosy jerk. and if u don't hate, don't intensely dislike me either.

I like being your friend and it's one of those things that I look forward to in life. I love talking to you and if that was ever taken from me I don't know what I would do. it's nice sharing what's going on in my life with someone. I used to have two other friends I could do that with: share, listen and talk about our lives. but we go to different schools now and our lives are different. we stopped contacting each other, so I lost that special feeling. when I met you and I saw that I could share with you, and it's like I could live again. though it didn't seem like that since I came to you with my problems, but that's how it was. and I don't want to lose you again.

all I can say right now is sorry. I don't know how else to make it up to you. you don't have to forgive me if you don't want to...I could burn in heck and deserve it for what I've said, especially since you did all those things for me. and I'm not saying that so you pity me and forgive me; I'm saying it because I want you to understand how sorry I am. you've helped me all those times and I owe you a lot. no matter what happens, I'll always be your friend...even if you decide not to be mine.

well...It's 3:45am or so...my hand's cramping, so I'm going to sleep. I'll try and call you before band camp if I remember. g*nite.

luv always,
kristine